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  • Writer's pictureAnnmarie Miles

S2Ep2 - The Vision Trousers (and other garments that don't fit)

Listen to S2 Episode two, The Vision Trousers, by clicking here, or you can listen on your smart speaker and many podcast hosting sites.


Episode 2

Hello and welcome to episode two of Words, Wobbles, and Wisdom. I'm Annmarie Miles, and it is great to have you here. Thank you so much for your feedback on the opening introduction episode. Really excited to hear from so many of you. Thank you for the messages and the kind words, really delighted for the encouragement. It's great. To be here again on week two.


So what I wanted to share a little bit about you this week is kind of my kind of a story about my early memories of slimming clubs. Now, before I tell you the story, I'm. Not dissing slimming clubs, OK, I'm not. I'm not criticising them. I'm just going to share with you my my experience. I know many people have benefited and have had great success and lasting success through slimming clubs and they weren't for me. They now they they would work for me short term. But they never really worked for me long term, so I they were just something that didn't suit me and I think my first. Running will be saying or walk in or dragged in. Should I say with was it just stayed with me and the irony of it? It was the first experience that I can remember. That's I think that is so ironic that I didn't feel. No, I was overeating and I shouldn't have been overeating. But the first time I actually felt food, shame was on that same night that I joined a slimming club for the first time.


I mean, I was sent to it against my will. And you know my mother was really concerned about my weight and my older sisters were trying to help me. They were, you know, there were a lot of people who were and probably remain very concerned for my well-being, but I didn't have a very good introductory experience. And and I had no idea what to expect. And so I'm going to share with you a story of one of my early. Kind of forays into into a slimming group. I don't want to implicate anyone group, so we'll say that this group is called Wake your slim and my memory of it. As this the first thing that struck me as I walked into the hall was that everyone was taking off their coats and kicking off their shoes. And I mean it was the middle of winter. I mean, I I remember because the meeting was half five, 6:00 and. It was dark. You know, it was night time dark, so it was definitely like into the winter. But when these people took off their coats, they were in, like, really thin leggings. And T-shirts and so anyway, we all joined the queue and I walked my way nearer to the scale and I was watching these women getting up on the scale and they scrunched their eyes. And I thought, you know, is this my first prayer meeting? I wasn't sure what was going on. And I'm the leader, so I will call her Jackie. She would look down at the scale, then scribble the number on the card. And and the secret message that was being scribbled on this card had the ability to make a woman. Keep the joy of the skills, or in poor Sandra will call her. All the names have been changed to protect the hypoglycemic. Sanjay will call her slim shoulders. Stared at the floor and said that she regretted ever going to her cousins wedding, so I had no idea what was going on, so I'm still in the coat on my shoes and I got to the top of the queue and. And Jackie thought it would be better if I took my coat and my shoes off before standing on the scale and I was going to say that, well, my mother doesn't allow me to walk around in my stocking feet this time of year. But I didn't want to say rude, so I took my shoes off and I took my coat off and shivering. I stood on the scale. The woman behind me. She must have thought that I was shivering with fear because she patted my shoulder and told me not to worry. And so anyway, Jackie did what she had done before. She looked down and then looked at me and kind of shook her head a bit and tutted and wrote down. Something on the card. So I looked down where she had. Looked and my tongue was sticking out with all my sock, so I thought, you know, no wonder she was touching the state in my socks. Anyway, she handed me my card. I put my coat back on, put my shoes back on, and went to find a seat and I was expecting the card to say something like you could really do with some new socks. Or you could really do it eating less crisps or whatever, but all that was on the. Card was a number. And the number, if I remember correctly, said 12/4. Now, can I tell you I would jump up and down with the light if I was 12 for today, which is 78 kilos in new money. I had no idea what that number meant, but all I knew was that these numbers were the source of joy or. Sorrow in the. Room. So during the meeting, then I began to understand, OK, high numbers, bad, low numbers, good. Jackie asked some of those who had lower numbers this week than they had last week to tell everyone how they've managed it. I mean, she would say, oh, you. Had a great week. How? It didn't sound like a great week to me. I mean, this mentioned especially in the winter and then Sandra, who was still crossing the day, her cousin never fell in love and got married. Now, to me, it sounded like she'd had a great week. There were sharp intakes of breath. Yummy. Sounds lovely. When she was talking about the wedding buffet, but I managed to stop myself. I used to. I didn't say thing. I sat quietly for the rest of the meeting, nodding my head at appropriate intervals, looking around, hoping I was nodding in the right places. When the meeting was over. I left there determined that I would never go back.


I got home and all I wanted to do was eat. I was not a happy Bunny. I remember arguing with my mother about it. And the more she said, I shouldn't eat again that day. I I can't go to swimming club and then come back and eat the more she said that, the more I wanted to because I knew it would make me feel better. That was the first night I ever felt. Shame when I was. Eating was the first night I ever hid. No, that's a lie. It's not the first time I ever hit food, but it was the first time I ever really felt ashamed as I snuck that food up the stairs to my bed. You know, I had an argument and and said, well, I'm going to bed, you know. And then I snuck into the kitchen and made some sort of snack. And. Smuggled it up the stairs, you know. And. And. And I think that's when the real battle began. And I know it's. I know it's terrible because as I've said, I know some swimming clubs have been the making of people, but they did not. They did not do that for me. And I feel like it's a battle now that I've been fighting for, ohh gosh, 35 years or more, you know, and I don't blame my mother. I don't blame. Wait till you're slim. I don't blame Jackie. And Sandra certainly has nothing to reproach herself for. She had a great weekend, but I just know that that night. Changed everything for me. It changed everything for me and I look at photographs of myself when I was that age, I look at photographs of myself when I was a teen. And overtime I see how my confidence in those photographs reduced. You know, there's there's a brilliant photograph of me. I live it. I'm in a red bathing suit. I've got my knees crossed and I've got my hands kind of daintily on my knees and there's rolls of, you know, I've got like three decent rolls of fat to definitely pinch an inch or two in each. But I don't mind, I don't, I don't. I mean, I don't mind. I'm not hiding behind a tail. I'm not carrying behind a sun. June. I don't mind that I'm that size. And as time has gone, I have in photographs I've moved to the back of the group. I've moved to the back. And I don't know how that happened. I don't know why that happened. All I know is. That I the more I tried, the harder I tried, the bigger I got and every time I threw in the towel and stopped a diet. I would start again the next time heavier than I'd been when I started the previous time. So I'd always put it back on and more and I don't, I don't know why that happened. I don't know how it happened. Well, I do know how it happened. It was food, you know, it was too much food and not enough exercise. I needed more than the group. I needed more than Jackie, but I. I don't know if there was anything at that time, if there was anything more, because one thing I wasn't. Was what was going on inside my head. I was so worried about what was going into my mouth, what was piling onto my hips and my stomach and whatever that I was, I was not. I didn't even realise that it was important to work out what is going on in your head and I think that is the difference. Now. I'm still battling with weight. I'm still battling with my eating but. I feel I am winning that battle. Not necessarily that I'm losing weight all the time. Not necessarily that I'm eating perfectly all the time, but I know now where the fight is.


I know the battle is a lot of it is in my head. It's in my thinking and and there is there is a verse in the Bible that talks about taking captive. Every thought and making it subject, you know to God and His will. Now I'm paraphrasing it, but and that idea of taking a thought and saying hang on a second before I left this. Thought affect my mood or what I do or the decision I make? I need to make it subject to something I need to. I need to check that thought is actually a valid 1. And that's where my my battle is. My battle is in my head, and I have this thing, and it's it's such a silly thing, but it's quite a simple thing. And it's a 54321. And if I know I've had enough food in the day, and if I know that I really shouldn't eat anymore. Or or. It's the middle of the day and I'm going out later. I'm going out for. A meal later and I shouldn't. No problem having a bit of lunch, but I shouldn't really be having an afternoon snack if I've had lunch and I'm going out for dinner. Or. But, you know, if I just know that I shouldn't, I will try and go 54321. And what I'm doing is I'm just giving. My reason the bit of me that knows I shouldn't eat anymore. I'm just giving it time to catch up with the thought in. My head that. Says Ashers ash, not a biscuit. Ashish I. Mean there's only two carbs in one, have one of them. They're low calorie. Should. There only a breath of air. One of them. The 54321 is just a little thing that lets. My reasonable self, the bit that knows I I you know, I shouldn't have anything else. Just to let it catch up with that quick though. That that makes you rich. Sorry, that makes me. I'm talking about myself. Nobody else. That makes me reach for a snack or for something that I shouldn't have. And I found it helpful. Now I have to tell you, it doesn't always work. It's not like, oh, I found this life changing thing and this episode of the podcast is going to change the world. And I can retire now. Great, that happened, but it is just a little. It just gives me time to catch up with myself, as it were, and I recommend it for other things as well, you know, 5432 and maybe I should. Put it in place about even things that I say or even things that I think you know it just gives you a bit of time to stop. Just to stop. And and catch up, let your reason catch up with your, you know, show your your quick thinking. I keep saying you believe me. I'm talking to myself. I really. Really. Am so yeah, so that that was my kind of foray into weight loss groups, and I wish it. It worked and I wish it had worked, but it didn't, and so I'm afraid they weren't for me. But I know they are for many people, and I still every so often, I still think of poor Sandra and the wedding she went to that had ruined her weekend and made her put on. I think it was £3.00 or something and. I think, oh. You know, I hope that she's found a way to, you know, to enjoy herself and enjoy celebrations, but still lose the weight that she wants to lose. Uh, poor Alessandra has stayed with me all these years, even though such a long time ago. And I do think of her every so often. If you're like me, then you may feel that your eating habits are worse than anybody else's. You're sure nobody would invite you for coffee? If they knew that you wanted to eat their slice of lemon, drizzle cake. As well as your own. If anyone knew how many chocolate hobnobs you could put away in one sitting, they'd be horrified. If you're like me, you've also suffered with that food chain. I hope that you feel a sense of relief to know that you're not on your own. I mean, I've gone through phases of buttering bread on both sides, used to feel fuller. And there's going to be an episode on feeling full because it was one of the massive realisations I had was that I was filling myself with food when I really needed to fill my heart and my soul with things, and we will be talking about that in one of the episodes. But I've, you know, I've made. Chips from gigantic potatoes twice in one day. When I knew I'd be on my own all day, I've stolen sweets from my nieces and nephews and the ramifications of that confession are going to be far reaching. I could tell you because I don't know whether they knew. Sorry, kids, I love you. But when I used to babysit for you, I used to steal your sweets. And I mean, I've raided biscuit. Bars and then shaking the jar afterwards so it wouldn't look like so many whiskers were gone. I went through a phase where I bought 3 days worth of food and eaten it all in one day.


I don't know whether it helps you to know that I don't know whether for some of you there's a sense of relief to know that there is somebody worse than you and that's me or that that you're not the only one who who's who has, you know, really wrestled with with the amount that you want to eat. I hope so. I hope it does for two reasons. Firstly and most importantly, I I want you not to feel so awful about yourself. But secondly, and maybe selfishly, if you get it, then I'm not on my own. I'm not on my own either, that there are people who who get me. I mean, I know lots of people who need to lose weight, but I have always felt I was fatter, lazier, more awful than anyone else. I believed it was worse for me because I tried to lose weight so many times and failed. Worse for me because I'm a Christian and I have a responsibility to take care of my body. The Bible tells me that worse for me because I ate more than anyone else in the universe. And yes, I include Jabba the Hut in that. Now I think about food all the time. I don't know about you, but and I have felt guilty about thinking about it. And I'm guilty that I want food so much. And to those around me, I've always played the big, cheerful character dancing and singing and laughing and making others laugh. Anything to hide the panic at who I was and and what was happening to me. I mean, I could feel myself losing control. I just couldn't stop it. You know I I mean. I read in the Bible that I'm loved. I'm created by God in his image that Jesus died for me, that the Holy Spirit. Lives in me. Yet I I find it hard to love this body enough to look after it. And then guilt just adds to the weight. I I think guilt has made me feel lonely. That's what guilt does. It makes it makes us hide. It makes us hope nobody knows us. I didn't. I I hoped that nobody would know us, that I need help instead of looking for help. In fact, instead of looking for help, I shouldn't help. Instead of taking advice, I resented people giving me advice. I didn't want to talk about weight. I hated the whole subject. I wanted to hide under my duvet and never come out. I wanted to eat every meal alone because I didn't want anyone to see just how much I loved it. It felt wrong to enjoy. Food as much as I did. So I often ate in loneliness and isolation, forcing this isolation on myself. And of course, that was part of my undoing. I didn't just back myself into a corner, I built walls around it, stuck a roof on the top. Of it I mean. I insisted on locking everyone out of this. Area of my life, including God. And that was destructive. And what I'd say. Is if you have done that. It's time to come out. It's time to come out from the corner that you've built for yourself. Changing my attitude about. Talking and allowing people to talk to me about weight and food has been the most difficult change I think I've ever made. But if I can do. It I believe you can do it. Get some air in your lungs, get the sun on your face. Start making your way back. You are not alone in this. And because you're here. I'm not alone in this either. How cool is that? Our time is nearly up, but I did promise a spot in the podcast for what is that about? Or as my great nephew Frankie Jardis would say.


What is that about?


And I'm going to share with you mine and like I said in last week's opening episode, if you have something that has a real, a lot of lot about that you want to get off your chest, I'd love you to share it with me. You can e-mail me. I'm I'm writing AMOWRITING. I'm writing@gmail.com. Or you can send me private message on social media. I'm I'm writing pretty much everywhere, so.

What is that about?

One of the things that drives me absolutely potty is at the end of an ad on the radio. Somebody will give the terms and conditions really, really, really, really quickly so. It's the equivalent of the small print and the contract, so you've got this contract. I mean, we've got it in our car insurance and our house insurance and you know pretty much everything is going to have small print. And there's usually lots of it and but so they've brought the small print into radio ads. So instead of it being really, really tiny. They say it really. Really. And it drives me absolutely potty because part of what it does is tell you that actually the deal that they're offering is only open to about four people, you know, terms and conditions by offer expires the day after tomorrow. Only applicable if your name is Edward's not applicable to anyone who eats pizza. Full terms and conditions in teeny tiny writing on our website. Like what? Sorry. Say that again. What is that about? I I just don't get it. Anyway, listen, I'm delighted now. Got that off my chest. I can. I can get on with my day now. Thank you so much for joining me. It's been really great. I so just loved sharing some of my story with you. Please do get in touch if you've got a. What is that about to share or you want to give some feedback? I would. I'm writing amowritingwriting@gmail.com or you'll find me on social media. I'm writing. Thank you for joining me for this episode of Worlds, Wobbles and Wisdom, and I will see you or you will hear me next week. Bye, bye.






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